Relena's Diary
by icecream fairy
Summary: Poor Relena... She gets a diary and of course this mean author decides to have the worst things happen to her so she can write about it... Don't read if you like Relena.
1. Relena's Diary, part I

I love this^_^ I'm so proud of myself! Yay! Rated pg for complete craziness, I guess. I don't own GW or anything. Disclaimers are so boring!  
  
Alternate Universe (no gundam, no gw plot)  
Relena's Diary  
  
TUESDAY  
Dear Diary,  
  
Yesterday was, like, the weirdest day. Ok, see. At school, my friends wouldn't talk to me very much. So I went to the bathroom to cry. Only I was unlucky because I slipped on some pee and bruised my elbow and hip. Then I crawled into a stall and cried. Only too bad for me, because then my perfect eyes were all red and puffy-looking. And I got snot on my dress, and in my hair but that part was ok because it helps it stay in place. And this is so gross because green clashes with that shade of pink, on my dress. So I tried to rub it off but it wouldn't come off. So I got one of my pink gel pens and tried to color over it. It kinda worked. I waited for it to dry and while I was waiting I tried to fix my eyes. Now I am very smart and knew that white gel pen wouldn't work. And I saw that while I'd sat on the toilet my dress had slipped in. And some rude person had not flushed and this is a terrible thing, because then there was a stain on my dress! I didn't want to waste any more of my ink, though. So I got out of the stall and turned on the blow dryer for your hands because my school is very advanced, you see.  
  
So while it was drying I got eye drops out of my purse and put some in. Those always help. Only then I glanced at the bottle and it said Super Glue. But I remembered how if you get icky glue on your hands you just wait for it to dry and then rub it off. So I waited for it to dry but for some reason my eyes wouldn't open when I blinked! I decided not to be brave anymore and started screaming for help. And I tried rubbing my eyes open. So a teacher came in and told me to be calm but that was stupid because my eyelids wouldn't open and I must have looked a fright. My hand is tired so to make a long story short, I went home and all the doctors came and fixed me right up. But I don't remember a thing of what they did, isn't that funny?   
~relena  
  
  
WENDESDAY   
Dear Diary,  
I can't go back to school yet, but I'm really bored. I need someone to stalk. You see, my ex-stalked boyfriend, Timmy, died. But it really was too bad, the silly boy threw himself off a cliff when I'd surprised him with a picnic. At any rate, he was very romantic. Every time I saw him, he'd scream for me to stay away or he'd kill me. Boys are so shy! But I knew that deep down he had profound feelings for me! I miss jumping out of the closet in his room and seeing him screeching, "What IS that?!!". So you see, he liked me! And if guys like you, they want you to follow them around because they're too shy to come up to you. He liked playing hard to get.  
  
This has to be cut short because I hear my butler calling me. He said something about a bath. I think I had one once. I guess I was five. They spread white slippery stuff on you, although this is a preposterous thing to do, and then put goo in your hair. It was all floppy the next day! I like mine the way it is, it stays in any position I put it in, therefore making styling much easier. So one day, when I'm queen, I can make a nice hairdo with my hair all up just like real ladies! Oh well. I'll go outside and scream until he leaves me alone. Ta Ta!  
~Relena  
  
  
THURSDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I escaped my bath, and I'll be going back to school tomorrow. My dress is all clean now, and I hear that there will be a new student, Hero, or something. Maybe I'll find him stalkable, but none of the boys so far seem to have a strong desire to strangle me as Timmy did...   
  
Oh, did I tell you my big brother taught me how to shave? And I always thought that only men needed to. I've never seen Milliard so relieved. I cut myself a few times over my lip but I'll do better tomorrow morning, and I'll arrive at school with a nice smooth face. The only bad thing is that you have to touch... oh dear how inappropriate... water.   
  
I'm gonna go outside for a little while. It's because there is this terrible smell wherever I go. My butler mentioned the other day that it would go away if I took a bath, but what kind of logic is that? No wonder he's only a butler. And it doesn't really matter, it kills any flies that get near me. It doesn't keep the birds from attacking me, though. I'll have to call Treize and have him get rid of them.  
~Relena  
  
  
FRIDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I went back to school today! Nobody seemed to notice, though. And I still have scabs all over my face from shaving... But I absolutely loved this new Heero guy, he pays more attention to me than everyone else. I have officially found someone to stalk! He is kinda short, has blue eyes, and brown hair. But of course I'll find out everything there is to know about him! Hehehehe! Maybe once we get real intimate he'll let me dye his hair for him! And anyways, he's the only one that looks me straight in the eye. That must mean something! But this guy moves quick. Right before school ended, he threatened to kill me! And I was like, no way! Like, I'm not ready to get into that much of a relationship yet. I'll just have to be more careful with this one. But I just gave him a mysterious smile and winked. He looked a little sick after that. I'll have to do something about those school lunches.  
~Relena  
  
  
SATURDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I'm so bored! My friends never want to visit me anymore. Except for Dorothy but every time she comes to visit me all she does is look at me and laugh the whole time and by the time she leaves she's red in the face. I think there's something wrong with her.  
  
I can't stop cutting myself every time I try to shave. Maybe I'll try a waxing kit only I'm afraid it will hurt but at least I won't have scabs on my face!  
  
There is nothing else to write. I'll go annoy my brother now.  
~Relena  
  
MONDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I really feel bad about hurting Heero, although he seemed to love it... It appears I went a little too long without brushing my hair. He sat behind me and I leaned my head back and he screamed and I realized I'd poked him in the eye. But he seemed to find it very attracting, because he screamed all sorts of love declarations like, "What the heck do you think you are? I've seen better-looking road kill than you!" and, well, he's not very eloquent. Oh well, it's a start.   
  
Oh, and I'm gonna try to make myself even more beautiful! I got a cream that makes you tan when you spread it on your face. I'll go try it out. It's not foundation, though. Something else. Wait till Heero sees!  
~relena  
  
TUESDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I put lots of the cream on my face last night. The directions were silly, (butler had to read them to me), I think he was wrong because I put a lot more than I was supposed to and I look fine. A little patchy but fine. It gives my face a larger variety of tones. And after shaving, it's just perfect. Zechs (that's my brother, he just felt like being called that today) took one look at me and put this funny bird-mask thing on. Whatever.  
  
I'm going to school now. Just had to tell you about the miracle cream! Hehehehe!  
~Relena  
  
WEDNESDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I've decided that since guys like blondes, I'll bleach my hair! See, I am blond but I don't know, it doesn't seem to be enough. I asked some of my friends and they kinda looked at each other and said I should use peroxide or tons of bleach. Well, I guess I'll try it in a moment.  
  
I was getting lonely so I made butler buy me a pet. It's a puppy! It's kinda boring though, all it does is sit there. I tried to play dress up with it, but it bit me and now it's hiding under the bed. It keeps wanting to throw itself out of my bedroom window! I have to keep it shut now which makes the smell worse but I can live with it as long as my puppy's here!   
  
I'm going to do my hair now.  
~ Relena  
  
FRIDAY  
Dear Diary,  
I tried to do my hair. I had butler go to the store and buy me some bleach. I didn't see any instructions for bleaching hair, but I figured how hard could it be? So I just filled the sink with it and then dunked my head in. Only too bad because then my scalp started itching and burning and some got in my eyes. And a lot got on my face so now it's covered in scabs, has a spotty tan and has patches of red rash all over. Half of my hair fell out, what's left is like totally white and frazzly looking. I have no eyebrows. At least I won't have to wax now! *sigh* Maybe no one will notice!  
  
Some doctors came to fix my eyes but I can still see although everything looks foggy. Yesterday I couldn't write because my head hurt too much. I didn't go to school, and I didn't today either. My dog won't come out from under the bed, but that's ok because his fur just makes my rash worse.  
  
At least I can't smell that awful smell anymore...  
~Relena 


	2. Relena's Diary, part II

I didn't get that many reviews for this folks -_- oh well thanx 2 the people that did! I'm making the chapters shorter! This picks up where we left Relena...  
  
SATURDAY  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
I don't have anything to do today. That's because my parents locked me in my room after I gave the cat a heart attack. I don't think animals like me very much, my dog hasn't come out from under the bed for the past few days. I don't know... My brother hasn't been around for the past few days. My butler said he was off hunting geese or something. With that Trieze guy. Or it had something to do with tall geese. Hmmm... I know! Treize is tall, and likes to shoot birds! Geese are birds! I think... my head is hurting from all this thinking. It's bad for you. I have to go take all my medicine. Be back in an hour!  
  
I'm back! There's the gardener outside. No... it's his son. That guy has a braid! I don't like him at all; he's too noisy. He's throwing rocks from the garden at the squirrels! O. MY. GOSH! VIOLENCE! Excuse me; I'm going to throw myself out of the window now.   
  
SUNDAY:  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
I'm in the mental hospital now. I don't know why because I'm perfectly fine. Except that I'm all sore from landing on Duo yesterday. That's what his name was. Duo. What kind of loser name is that? Anyways, my doctor is this Chinese dude who won't even look at me when he talks. He keeps muttering about injustice. He doesn't know anything about justice! Justice would be having all the pink gel pens in the world, running all the teddy bear factories, having your own pink car factory, and Dorothy fixing her eyebrows. And world peace (almost forgot that one) And anyways OH MY GOSH I SEE DUO OUTSIDE AND HE'S WITH HEERO AND HEERO. IS. SIGNING. HIS. CASTS! (AN: Remember; Relena fell on Duo. He's got broken bones ;_; Poor Duo) NOOOOO!   
  
Tuesday:  
Dear Diary:  
Yesterday, I mean, Sunday (I was out all day yesterday. They must have given me something) I had started banging on the window to get my Heero's attention but the glass broke and I got all cut up and the Chinese doctor guy called me "onna" or something and strapped me to this bed. At least I don't have to go to school! Yes! Anyways, I don't feel as grubby anymore. Maybe they gave me one of those baths butler was always mentioning. I'm skinnier too. I think I lost weight. Hey! Maybe I can starve myself and get so skinny I'll slip out of here from under the doors! I hope Heero comes to visit me. I haven't done stalking in a long time. This is unhealthy! I'll stalk that ant on the floor. *leaves diary and starts talking*   
  
"Yesssss. I shall know everything there is to know about this ant. Cooome to me, ant! What? Your name is Rupert? You live in that crack under the chair?"  
*breaks free from the bed (you're wondering how she could write with her hands strapped? Leave me alone...) and crawls around on the floor after the ant*  
  
Doctor1: Should we put it to sleep now?  
  
Doctor2 (guess who): Injustice, she's too good for that.  
  
Come back next time for another episode of...  
  
RELENA'S DIARY! And you can give suggestions, people... 


	3. Relena's Diary, part III

Ok, another chapter! It's hard to keep having bad things happen to her and yet not kill her. Then the fun would be over... thanks for reviewing and giving suggestions!  
  
# ... # means I'm narrating (relena can't write all the time!)  
~*~*~*~*~*  
Last time on "Relena's Diary":  
Relena is in a mental institute and goes crazy (she begins to stalk an ant)  
  
"Yesssss. I shall know everything there is to know about this ant. Cooome to me, ant! What? Your name is Rupert? You live in that crack under the chair?"  
*breaks free from the bed (you're wondering how she could write with her hands strapped? Leave me alone...) and crawls around on the floor after the ant*  
  
Doctor1: Should we put it to sleep now?  
  
Doctor2 (guess who): Injustice, she's too good for that.  
  
  
  
  
*opening music* Relena's Diary, Part III!  
  
Tuesday:  
  
Dear Diary, my doctor is going to take me to the park today! I hope there are lots of pretty little animals and butterflies and bunnies!! Except for squirrels, I still have the scars from when I got bitten... Maybe I'll see Heero there! I'm going to wear my pretty pink dress! Oh, here comes doctor Chang with the leash! Drat, he has that whip again. I'd better not eat any cats this time.  
  
#at the park#  
  
Look! Lots of little kids to -eat- I mean PLAY with! They're all screaming and running away. Wimps. Owww! The older ones are throwing rocks at me. Doctor isn't doing anything. He's so mean! #runs towards older kids and begins biting them.  
  
Kid1: Get it off! Get it off! *whips out pepper spray*  
Relena lets go.#  
  
There, I'm back. Oh, lookee! There's a girl from the hospital! She has dissociative identity disorder! (for those of u that don't know, it used to be called multiple personality disorder. Sound familiar?) She's got two cute buns on the side of her head. Maybe she'll do my hair! Uh oh, she put on her glasses. That's bad. Her doctor's with her. I think he's taking her back to the hospital. I'm gonna go back too.  
  
  
  
Wednesday:  
  
Hey, I'm at the park again! HEERO IS HERE! HE CAME TO SEE ME! I have to get this leash off. And the doctor put a muzzle on me since I bit that kid last time. He said something about rabies. Well, the kid looked fine to me. I don't think I got anything from him. (relena is such a dork)  
  
#struggles with leash. Doctor is off meditating and yelling "WEAKLINGS!" at passing dogs#   
  
There, the leash is off!  
  
#struts over to Heero and Duo (who just got there to meet Heero)  
  
Heero: Duo, don't let it get close to you.  
  
Duo: But it has a muzzle on.  
  
Heero: It's the smell I'm worried about. Don't make any sudden movements.  
  
Relena looks confusedly at the two. Then she recognizes Duo. Begins to growl.  
  
Duo: Uh, Heero?  
  
Heero: Whatever you do, don't say you'll kill it or anything. It's got a twisted mind.  
  
Relena grabs Heeros leg and begins to tug him away from Duo.  
  
Heero screams: AAAAGGGGHHHHH! *kicks leg around. Trips and falls w/ Relena still on him* DUO! SAVE YOURSELF!  
  
*dramatic music begins playing*  
  
Duo: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Heero: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!  
  
Duo: I won't let it kill you! *tackles relena* Eeee! It got me!  
  
Slow motion fighting scene: relena bites Duo, Heero punches her in the eye, kicks her in the stomach, relena stabs them with her sharp hair O.o Duo slams her face into the ground. Remember the dramatic music.  
  
They confuse relena and slowly slip away, leaving her attacking herself.#  
  
  
  
Thursday:  
  
Dear Diary, the girl with the buns in her hair is coming to my room to visit today! She's gonna do my hair.  
  
#Midi Une enters the room with a little hair kit. She greets relena and sits next to her on the bed.  
  
Midi (thinking): eeew. That hair's gross, I'm not touching it. *puts on gloves*  
  
After struggling with relena's hair, she finally gets it into two messy blobs that somewhat resemble buns.   
  
Relena: Gee, thanks Midi!!!! Now I can do your hair!  
  
Midi: NO! I mean... I'll fix it up myself. *sticks some roses into the buns*  
  
Relena grabs a gun from... somewhere... and blindly shoots at the roses. When all the smoke clears up, we see a furious looking Une, with several bald spots (reaching for her glasses).  
  
Relena: Um, they didn't look nice on you... *gets mauled by Midi*   
  
*************  
  
I know this wasn't as creative as the other ones... was it? Well, I can only write so much... I think next time we might see her getting run over by a semi driven by a bunch of yaoi fans or something (I'm not crazy about yaoi, so I'm not putting any into my stories, k?). And then she'll get dropped from a plane into the jungle where she belongs. And then the natives will scalp her. Ops, I gave it away... have to think of something else =)  
THANKS FOR READING & PLZ REVIEW! 


	4. Relena's Diary, part IV

What's up, ppl! Thanks 4 reviewing! I just found out that you'd have to login to review my fics, but I changed that! So please review now if you didn't before! And thanks for the suggestions. I'll use some of them but not right now.... Only the first entry takes place in jail.   
  
I don't own relena. Whew! And we have a special guest... let's just say I don't own Jackie-Chan adventures!   
  
RELENA'S DIARY, PART IV   
  
  
  
Dear Diary, I'm in jail! And MY CLOTHES DON'T MATCH! And my reputation is ruined, but that doesn't matter as much. I don't know why but they put me in the guy's section. I always thought there was a part for just girls but... Oooh, he said it's time to eat! I wonder what we're having.   
  
#The big strong guard comes with a tray. Gets grossed out after seeing her so he cowers and pokes tray near her cell with a stick. Quickly scampers away, whimpering. #   
  
I just ate. I don't think I can keep this stuff down... Oh, now we can go to the bathroom. All of our cells are in a larger cell, and the toilets are at the end. There is no privacy here! They're all pulling down their pants...   
  
#passes out#   
  
Ok, I'm back from shaving. I still keep cutting myself! They're all so mean here, too. I don't get why they're always laughing at me, but when I look at them they stop. I learned how to do this funny eye thing (I learned it from Heero). I wonder if they'll let me fix up my cell a little. It's so horrible! They're turning on a t.v. now. Oooh! I wonder if they'll put in the Barbie Nutcracker! Nope, it's... WRESTLING!   
  
#attacks herself and passes out.#   
  
  
  
Dear Diary, I'm in the middle of nowhere! They apparently realized that I was too good for their smelly jail, so they put me in a plane (no, Heero wasn't in it ;_;) and kicked me out while we were flying over a jungle!!! Maybe they thought I was too good for their plane, too. But I'm too good for this forest! While I was falling I smashed into the trees and my underwear got caught on a branch and it took half an hour to get it out! And while I was there all these birds decided to poop on me! Now the monkeys are throwing coconuts at me... #gets smashed in the face. Bleeds on diary# I have to go eat. Be right back! #hunts monkeys and eats them#   
  
Aaah! I feel so much better! But it's so lonely here. I want Heero to come, too! Hey! There's someone swinging in the trees!!! Now I see it better... IT'S A GUY! What's up with his hair; his bangs stick straight out to the front. Oh well. Maybe I can stalk him! He's wearing funny baggy green pants with yellow stars on them. Maybe there is a circus here! Oh, there's another jungle person. It's a girl! She's got knives... Maybe she wants to hunt monkeys with me!!   
  
#get's "kidnapped" by them. Gee, guess who they are! They take her to their village. Tie her to a stake. They leave.   
  
Relena: OOOH! Is this some kind of game! Are we playing hide-and-seek!? I love hide-and-seek! Hide-and-seek is so much fun! One time, I played hide-and-seek! I played "stalk the teenage rebel Gundam pilot", too. And won every time! Are we playing hide-and-seek? I love hide-and-seek...   
  
Trowa: Let's shut it up now.   
  
Catherine: We can't yet. We have to let the leader decide what to do with it.   
  
A bunch of drums play. A small procession comes in front of the leader. The shriveled old leader took one look at the still-ranting relena and shrieked.   
  
Leader: It's EVIL! Oh, powerful being! Please do not curse our people! We will do anything you like!   
  
Trowa: We will?   
  
Leader: Just leave us in peace!   
  
Relena: really? Anything I like!? Well, I really am kinda hungry...   
  
Leader: Hunters! Bring her the finest food you can find!   
  
Hunters: Sir, Yessir!   
  
Scamper away to hunt.   
  
Relena: Is this going to take long? I, like, really don't like to wait for my food. It, like, makes me even hungrier, and, like, I don't like that. Is this going to take long? No, really! Is this going to take long? I, like, really don't like to wait for my food...   
  
Leader: AAAAAAAAA! It's cursing us! *totally freaks out*   
  
Catherine: *heaves sword at relena* There, that worked!   
  
Relena: *dies after her head falls off. It thuds on the ground and rolls towards Trowa. He kicks it into the bushes. *   
  
Leader: No! Why did you do that?!   
  
Catherine: Gee, let's think about this... SHE WAS FREAKIN ANNOYING! And she scared all the food away, the plants around her are dead, the FLIES around her are dead, she gave all the children trauma from just looking at...   
  
Leader: OK! Ok! I get that, but, I mean, the author is gonna kill me when she finds out that we killed her.   
  
Villager: Yeah, I was liking this fic. Did you read the first chapter? Remember the part when she...   
  
Catherine: Shut up! Okay! Geeeeeeeez. We still need her so the author will have something to bash when she's bored. *sighs* I'll go call the healer.   
  
Healer: I'm not going near that thing. I haven't had my shots yet.   
  
Catherine: you're the healer! GIVE yourself shots and bring her back to life!   
  
Healer: I'll call in my cousin. *Whips out cell phone and talks on it a little*   
  
In two minutes, a plane roars overhead and Jackie Chan's uncle (from JC ADVENTURES!) parachutes down.   
  
Uncle: Why did you call me here for nothing! We could just let this poor beast stay out of its misery. You interrupted my tea for THIS!? And one mooore thing...   
  
Whacks Trowa on the head with two fingers.   
  
Uncle: AIIYAAA! *clutches his fingers* you use too much gel, boy!   
  
Trowa shrugs.   
  
Catherine: Get ON with it already! We don't have all day! I still have to wash my tights.   
  
Trowa: We're natives, we don't wear tights!   
  
Catherine: Don't tell me not to wear tights, mister "I like to wear butt-ugly clown pants!"   
  
Uncle: yu mo gwe guai fai mi sao (AN: or whatever that was)   
  
Leader: Isn't that the CHI spell?   
  
Uncle: you can never be too careful!   
  
He whips out some super-glue and is about to pour it on relena's bloody neck when the hunters return. They see what he's doing and shoot arrows at the glue, causing the tube to spill onto the ground. (they didn't know what had happened)   
  
Uncle: Aiiya! *sigh* Well, I always make extra!   
  
He pours the glue onto relena's neck and then grabs her head from the bush and sticks it back on. Does some more incantations.   
  
Uncle: There! She should be alive by tomorrow. I've got to get back to my tea! It's ready!   
  
He pushes a button on the walkie talkie he brought. A helicopter hovers above them. Heero and Duo wave down at Trowa, who nods back.   
  
The warriors drag Relena's body to the middle of the jungle and hope that a tiger doesn't eat her before I use her in another fic. (tigers are endangered, we don't want them to die of poisoning!)#   
  
********   
Yo ppl! Waddya think! I liked it... but most of it was narrating. And don't worry, she still has her diary with her *big grin*   
Please Review! I'll try to use some of the suggestions next time!!!!!   
BTW; I wrote this in school =) 


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